Friday, November 13, 2009

The Beginning of My Abusive Marriage...

Well, I go from being a part of an abusive family to marring an abusive husband. How did that happen you say, not hard.

I got involved with an abusive alcoholic and married him in high school because I was pregnant. Wrong thing to do and I would never recommend anyone to do that.

Before I got married I was being beat both physically and mentally. I told my mom again and she did nothing. She told me I made my bed now I had to lay in it. What a great mom. My best friends knew but did not know what to do to help me. They were as young as I was.

His family mentally abused to me too. They were and still are very protective of my X. To them he has never done anything wrong, it is everyone else that has caused my X's problems. His drinking was because of the crowd he hung with. Yep, that's right they forced him to drink. NOT...His temper and beating on me was because I made him mad. He was on a huge 'I do nothing wrong' pedestal. He took responsibility for nothing, his problems were caused by someone else not himself. You know as well as I do this attitude will get you no where in life.

Again I tell you this to help someone not for pity, life by far has not been good to me but from all the tragedy I have become a strong woman and I'm lucky. As you will see the abuse in my life did not stop until I got divorce 3.5 years ago. Many, many years of abuse in one form or another but that is for a different day.

Childhelp National Child Abuse Hotline 1-800-4-A-CHILD (1-800-422-4453)

Tuesday, August 4, 2009

I Never Knew What I Was Coming Home To....

I remember coming home from school always wondering and being scared about what I was walking into. My goal was to come home and try to blend in so no one noticed me. I would either hide up in tree in our front yard or I would put music on, plug in the head phones and rock for hours dreaming of a different life.

To me, coming home was like reaching in a surprise bag never knowing what you were going to get or should I say pull out. Hmmmm I would say to myself, who is going to be there today...Bev, mom, Patty, Chris, or Denise. Would it be just one of them or a couple of them. how are they going to be, what would I have to endure today. I hated my life and wanted to belong to some other family. My saving grace was that with each year that went by they slowly moved out.

My sister Chris bless her soul, has a heart of gold but not all there up stairs. One day after school, she was suppose to be there to watch me. I was in Kindergarten so I only went to school until lunch time. After school I walked home and entered a empty house. I crouched on the floor against the wall and my dad's chair that he sat in at the table. I sat there for hours before my mom showed up. My sister had issues that day and I have never held it against her, though it scared the ba gg's out of me. Even though, she has always been unstable I have loved her for who she is and accepted her. Though, it does not ease the pain that she has caused.

One day after school. I went to open the door of my house....hhmmmm it locked. Whats that about. I could hear the TV on but I could not figure out what was going on. I pounded on the door and our big glass "picture" window. After sometime my mom came to the window, pulled open the curtains and asked me what did I want, in a mean nasty voice. I said I wanted in. My moms reply was, NO and she shut the curtains. She refused to let me in. So, I climbed up in tree in our front yard and sat there until my sisters came home. She had opened the door by then. I never knew how my mom was going to be when I came home. I feel that she really never did love me because her health which was not good before she got pregnant with me deteriorated after she had me. She told me her health would of been better if she never had me. She never said it jokingly, she had the mean nasty voice going when she would mentioned it.

I always hated coming home to a house with no parent at home and my sister Beverly there. I knew for sure I was going to be abused. Either physically or sexually or both. I need not say anything else about her.

My sister Denise was another thing. Her and I had many fights and she locked me out of the house more times then I can count and I locked her out too. I chalk that up to sibling rivalry or just plain jealousy on her part. She was just mean to me.

My sister Patty had issues too with abusing me when I was real little. After I got bigger I just had to watch what I said and did around her. She would fly off the handle yell and hit you. Definitely a scary person and one you did not want to piss off.

I liked coming home when it was just me. No abuse, no one flying off the handle, just me. Some of the few happy times that I can remember.

No, I'm not being harsh and unfair to my siblings. They have had family gatherings and forgot to invite me which is nicer then having gatherings and inviting me and not talking to me. I can never remember any of siblings actually being nice to me. I swear I was a product of an affair of my dad's and my mom was forced to raise me as her own. Yes, I have told my mom this many times and she has never denied this, or gotten mad at me for saying it. How odd is that. But unfortunately her name is on my birth certificate so my hopes of having a nice loving family out there somewhere will never happen.

Tuesday, June 23, 2009

The Abuse Contiues From the Same Family

So the abuse from my sister stopped when she got married, but that would not be the end of the abuse from her family. She married a guy that hit on me left and right. Like her I could not be left in a room with him without being cornered. I flipped on this one. His constant attempts of trying to kiss me and touch him. I hated when my parents made be babysit for her one summer. None stop brother in law. When I was at Vo-Tech one day I started having issues. The counselor called me into his office because of these issues. He wanted to help me. He was going to talk to my brother in law. I got chicken and called him from my home and told him not to, so he didn't. But now I wonder why he didn't report the abuse? Even though I can't turn back the clock, I wish I had the courage at that time to let him talk to my brother in law. The first mistake I made regarding abuse done to me. He was here to help and I didn't let him. I was scared of what my dad would do. I eventually told my dad but he didn't do anything. He stated one night to me and my mom when he was sitting in the green chair, my mom was in her chair and I was on the love seat that maybe he should talk to him but he never did. He never wanted to cause friction or disruption in the family harmony I guess. As I stated before he so believed in the turning the cheek issue. He was no help. Now it has been two parents I went to for help and I got no help. I knew from this point on I was on my own. He eventually stopped but it took a long time. Even after I was married he was touching my butt inappropriately. What a guy married to what a girl, the two are very deserving of each other. It has been hard for me to treat them like family. At family functions when I had to hug them I feel sick, I hate hugging them. My sister gives me a kiss like it's no big deal. It's just disgusting because she was the first person who kissed me open mouthed. They act like they have never done anything to me and they can't figure out why I'm distant from them. My whole family thinks that I'm a black sheep. I make it well known that I wish I was born into another family. I have told my mom many times, "I don't have to be apart of this family." That bugs them but does not bother me one bit. I guess they need someone to talk about at family gatherings.

Again I tell you this to help someone not for pity, life by far as not been good to me but from all the tragedy I have become a strong woman and I'm lucky. As you will see the abuse in my life did not stop until I got divorce 3.5 years ago. Many, many years of abuse in one form or another but that is for a different day.

Childhelp National Child Abuse Hotline 1-800-4-A-CHILD (1-800-422-4453)

Thursday, June 18, 2009

Not only did that sister sexually abuse me. She also beat the tar out of me and my other sister. She would sit on top of you and just beat on you. I so hated her. My parents kept leaving me home alone with her. I could not figure out why. She never got in trouble for hitting us.When I finally got up the courage to tell my mom she did not do anything about it. She told me what was she suppose to do about that. Can you imagine tell your little girl that. I guess she liked my older sister better then me. I had no protection. The sister right above me knew but did nothing to help either. I never told my dad, though I doubt he would have done anything either. Even though I know he loved me. He always turned the cheek and did not want to disrupt anything. His philosophy was to act like everything was great. I always wonder why my mom the women who gave birth to me did nothing. Why she accepted the abuse. I have had to learn that I will never know the answer to these questions. That for a time was hard to deal with and at rare times I still wonder why but I have had to let go of that question which was eating me up. Believe me my friends that was not easy. I had to decide to let the pain of that question control me or I could let it go and bring peace to my life. I have come to terms with it but the memories will always be there but they will no longer control me. I'm stronger then the pain. Of course all things we go through in life helps create who we are today. It is your choice on how you deal with them. Some go to drugs, sex and live in pain their who life. I consider myself lucky that God made me strong enough to survive on my own.

My sister would pick on you and call you fat and all other sorts of names. Funny thing is now she weighs between 250 and 300 lbs. and I weigh 135 to 140. Well one thing came back and bit her in the butt.

Monday, June 15, 2009

When I was a little wee one the abuse started....from my earliest memories I remember being sexually abused by my sister (s).....Nope, it wasn't my brother....it was my sister...I remember hating being left home with them....She would call my name....and I would cringe. she would find me.....We had a swing set in the back yard and all I remember about the swing set(the glider to be exact) is being hauled in the house by one of the them and forced to do things...they robbed me of my childhood...the pictures are vivid in my mind....as much as I try to forget them...There are some things that will never leave your memories....and it's not easy by any means of the words...I struggled with the sexual abuse until I was in the 6th grade....I told my mom and my other sister....No body would protect me...help me....not one single soul....The abuse with one of them stopped but the other one kept it up until she got married..To set the record straight about my sexually abusive sisters...only one touched me the other one had me do things to her....My farther taught me one lesson which has it's bad points turn the the other check.... The hardest thing in the world was to have to hug her (them)at family gatherings....to act like nothing ever happened between us.... That is when I learned how to shut off my real life and live a life that everyone thought I was a happy normal kid...no one seen the signs and if they did they choose not to do anything about them....It was me against the world and at times I was loosing ....what am I saying...I was loosing this battle...I had to take care of myself because no one else gave a damn about me....I felt so alone in the big bad world....but this was going to be the beginning of being alone in the big bad world to survive on my own.......

Again this blog is an attempt to help someone.....no pity or sympathy wanted...just want to help...and by the way just because you were molested as a child does not mean you will grow up to be one.....
Childhelp National Child Abuse Hotline 1-800-4-A-CHILD (1-800-422-4453)

Thursday, June 11, 2009

A little about me.....

A little about me...I'm the youngest child of 6....We are not a close family by any means of the word...If I never seen my family again...I would not be bothered...I have not been home in almost 4 years....Yes, that means I haven't seen my mom but again I'm not bothered...This may sound cruel and cold...but there is a reason for these feelings...I'm don't walk around wishing anymore that I was born to some other family...I have set the pain aside and dealt with it...The only person I say from my childhood that actually loved me was my dad...Bummer as we called each other...though my sister Chris was good to me, when she was mentally able to be...My farther died when I was 18.....there has not been a day that has gone by that I haven't missed him... As far as the rest of the family you will learn how I was picked on, abused and tormented by them....Again I'm not telling you this for pity or your sympathy...It is my hopes to help someone who is not in a good place because of the abuse endured by the hands of someone that was suppose to love them and protect them...

Have I Always Been Happy....

I was twittered this question...Have you always been this happy.....I answered the question honestly....No I haven't...I want to share little by little of pain I have endured from the time I was a wee one to last year or so...I have endured abuse verbally, physically, and mentally....most people would've crumbled from so many years of abuse but I have used all the negativity for the positive and became stronger person for it.... A counselor once asked if I have ever been to counseling....my answer was no....She stated that I seem adjusted and coping with the abuse.....when you have to survive abuse for so many years it will either make you or break you....I'm one of the lucky ones...God gave me the coping skills to survive...and I have....and now I choose to be deliriously happy.....I share this with you not for your sympathy or your pity but show you not matter what you go through you can be happy.....be deliriously happy....it is your choice...it's not an easy journey by far....but journey you will be happy that you took......I will share more with you over the next days/weeks to come...to inspire you.........