Saturday, April 17, 2010

Telling the Parents

Being a teen is hard enough...being a teen who is pregnant is even harder...telling your parents, the expectant father and his family is like a nightmare with a reality spin to it.

I remember that day all too well. The expectant father (my X) took me to the doctors the day I found out I was pregnant but really wasn't the doctor just made a small error. He was with me at doctors not because he cared but he was due in court and needed a ride. He was dealing with a DWI. Anyway, after we got the news on that cool Friday morning in October. I went to school and he went to work saying we would talk after he got out of work. Needless to say the X never came home after work. He went on his daily drinking binge and I was left to deal with the problem silently by myself. I remember walking around crying trying to figure out what to do when I ran into my neighbor guy...he gave me his view point on why guys act the way they do. His words helped me to get through the night. Thanks Dan...

Telling my mom and dad. My dad didn't say much just asked me what I wanted to do. My mom wanted me to get married as it was the only option. She said I was scum. I received no support from her or my family unless you count negative comments as support. My brother called me a tit teaser and told me I disgraced my family. My oldest sister told me it was unfair that I got to keep my child and she had to give hers up. (She got pregnant in college)Oh, yeah life was good.

The X's family thought I trapped their prize winning son/grandson into marriage. His dad came over and tried to be a father but it was useless because he had been out of his life for a couple of years.

Friends didn't know what to say or do to help. I was left feeling scared and lonely, a very dark time for me. I got through it but I would have loved to have someone around who cared and gave me support.

Not once did anyone offer suggestions, advice, or a kind word. Just ridicule and quick to point out comments about how I ruined my life, the X's life. Like he had nothing to do with it? If you were keeping score: support 0 negativity 100...I swore from that time on that if this happened to my kids I would be there for them.

If you are a parent reading this....hearing that your child is pregnant is not what you or anyone else wants to hear. Being supportive and kind is the best thing that you can do for your child. I have told my kids since they were young that if they ever got pregnant they did not have to get married and that they have options, and I would always be there for them.

If you’re a teen reading this than I urge you to find that one or more support person whether it is teacher, family friend, uncle, aunt, pastor anyone who will be your support system. You will need it. Don't do what I did and go through it alone. It is not a fun place to be all by yourself thinking the world is against you. Just remember you are not the first person this has happened to nor will you be the last.

The ironic thing about this whole situation is that I really wasn't pregnant. The doctor made a small(really astronomically huge) mistake which changed my life forever without her mistake I would of never had NaTasha nor any of the other 6 kids so I'm sure they are happy for the Dr's mistake.


Child help National Child Abuse Hotline 1-800-4-A-CHILD
National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1−800−799−SAFE (7233) or TTY 1−800−787−3224.

Tuesday, February 2, 2010

I Was Told I Was Pregnant BUT.......

Being pregnant and getting married in high school was hard but even harder knowing that I was marrying a man who was abusing me.

I remember when I first found out I was pregnant the doctor told me that the test was between positive and normal...it was more positive then normal, so she said I was pregnant. OK I thought strange but ok what did I know I was a teenage. The Dr. stated that I needed to have an ultrasound to check everything out. So off to the hospital to have an ultrasound I go. In the meantime, she told my mom I was pregnant and my world of hell sank deeper into the realms of hell.

I had the ultrasound done and the tech asked me, who told you that you were pregnant...I replied my Dr.and she asked who my Dr. was, I gave her the name of my Dr. and the tech said nothing else after that. A couple of days later I called to see how my ultrasound turned out. They told me everything looked good and my next appointment was in January.

In the meantime, I got pregnant. When I went to see the Dr. in January she said nothing showed on the ultrasound but I'm still pregnant. What I said, am I pregnant or not. I called to check on the ultrasound and you said everything was fine. She had the nerve to tell me that I was still due in July, that the blood work that she was going to do would confirm that. Sure enough I received a phone call to say I was still due in July. By now another Dr appointment was set up...

When I went to see the new Dr. one that my sister went to and who delivered me said I was not pregnant..but he was wrong and I was....I was sitting with the devil now..no way out of hell...

Great all this hell for what for what I thought. The X cried and said he needed me and wanted me to marry him still. Great... the quick wedding was planned...my family was giving me no way out...and I was falling deeper in to realms of hell..

The day after I found out I wasn't pregnant (I actually was now but no one knew it). His mom came to my house....chatted with me like she was my best friend and she cared for me. Wrong....I had to get in the shower to go meet with the Rev. for our wedding..while I was in the shower. His mom told my mom that I was trapping her son into marriage. My mom according to her... told her that she could not wait for me to leave the house. My X's mom tore him a new butt and told him I was trapping him into marriage. Like he was a prize..a keeper...not...he went spastic and tore his grandma's house apart.

He packed his bags and I went along with him to Florida....which a story for later..

I seem to be caught in the middle of a cross firer in hell and no one was reaching out with a life preserver to help or save me...Just a quick note for all you who say why did you go. The X was already beating me and my mom knew...Lost and alone with no where to turn. So I went...

Again I tell you this to help someone not for pity, life by far has not been good to me but from all the tragedy I have become a strong woman and I'm lucky. As you will see the abuse in my life did not stop until I got divorce 3.5 years ago. Many, many years of abuse in one form or another but that is for a different day.

Child help National Child Abuse Hotline 1-800-4-A-CHILD
National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1−800−799−SAFE (7233) or TTY 1−800−787−3224.

Friday, November 13, 2009

The Beginning of My Abusive Marriage...

Well, I go from being a part of an abusive family to marring an abusive husband. How did that happen you say, not hard.

I got involved with an abusive alcoholic and married him in high school because I was pregnant. Wrong thing to do and I would never recommend anyone to do that.

Before I got married I was being beat both physically and mentally. I told my mom again and she did nothing. She told me I made my bed now I had to lay in it. What a great mom. My best friends knew but did not know what to do to help me. They were as young as I was.

His family mentally abused to me too. They were and still are very protective of my X. To them he has never done anything wrong, it is everyone else that has caused my X's problems. His drinking was because of the crowd he hung with. Yep, that's right they forced him to drink. NOT...His temper and beating on me was because I made him mad. He was on a huge 'I do nothing wrong' pedestal. He took responsibility for nothing, his problems were caused by someone else not himself. You know as well as I do this attitude will get you no where in life.

Again I tell you this to help someone not for pity, life by far has not been good to me but from all the tragedy I have become a strong woman and I'm lucky. As you will see the abuse in my life did not stop until I got divorce 3.5 years ago. Many, many years of abuse in one form or another but that is for a different day.

Childhelp National Child Abuse Hotline 1-800-4-A-CHILD (1-800-422-4453)

Tuesday, August 4, 2009

I Never Knew What I Was Coming Home To....

I remember coming home from school always wondering and being scared about what I was walking into. My goal was to come home and try to blend in so no one noticed me. I would either hide up in tree in our front yard or I would put music on, plug in the head phones and rock for hours dreaming of a different life.

To me, coming home was like reaching in a surprise bag never knowing what you were going to get or should I say pull out. Hmmmm I would say to myself, who is going to be there today...Bev, mom, Patty, Chris, or Denise. Would it be just one of them or a couple of them. how are they going to be, what would I have to endure today. I hated my life and wanted to belong to some other family. My saving grace was that with each year that went by they slowly moved out.

My sister Chris bless her soul, has a heart of gold but not all there up stairs. One day after school, she was suppose to be there to watch me. I was in Kindergarten so I only went to school until lunch time. After school I walked home and entered a empty house. I crouched on the floor against the wall and my dad's chair that he sat in at the table. I sat there for hours before my mom showed up. My sister had issues that day and I have never held it against her, though it scared the ba gg's out of me. Even though, she has always been unstable I have loved her for who she is and accepted her. Though, it does not ease the pain that she has caused.

One day after school. I went to open the door of my house....hhmmmm it locked. Whats that about. I could hear the TV on but I could not figure out what was going on. I pounded on the door and our big glass "picture" window. After sometime my mom came to the window, pulled open the curtains and asked me what did I want, in a mean nasty voice. I said I wanted in. My moms reply was, NO and she shut the curtains. She refused to let me in. So, I climbed up in tree in our front yard and sat there until my sisters came home. She had opened the door by then. I never knew how my mom was going to be when I came home. I feel that she really never did love me because her health which was not good before she got pregnant with me deteriorated after she had me. She told me her health would of been better if she never had me. She never said it jokingly, she had the mean nasty voice going when she would mentioned it.

I always hated coming home to a house with no parent at home and my sister Beverly there. I knew for sure I was going to be abused. Either physically or sexually or both. I need not say anything else about her.

My sister Denise was another thing. Her and I had many fights and she locked me out of the house more times then I can count and I locked her out too. I chalk that up to sibling rivalry or just plain jealousy on her part. She was just mean to me.

My sister Patty had issues too with abusing me when I was real little. After I got bigger I just had to watch what I said and did around her. She would fly off the handle yell and hit you. Definitely a scary person and one you did not want to piss off.

I liked coming home when it was just me. No abuse, no one flying off the handle, just me. Some of the few happy times that I can remember.

No, I'm not being harsh and unfair to my siblings. They have had family gatherings and forgot to invite me which is nicer then having gatherings and inviting me and not talking to me. I can never remember any of siblings actually being nice to me. I swear I was a product of an affair of my dad's and my mom was forced to raise me as her own. Yes, I have told my mom this many times and she has never denied this, or gotten mad at me for saying it. How odd is that. But unfortunately her name is on my birth certificate so my hopes of having a nice loving family out there somewhere will never happen.

Tuesday, June 23, 2009

The Abuse Contiues From the Same Family

So the abuse from my sister stopped when she got married, but that would not be the end of the abuse from her family. She married a guy that hit on me left and right. Like her I could not be left in a room with him without being cornered. I flipped on this one. His constant attempts of trying to kiss me and touch him. I hated when my parents made be babysit for her one summer. None stop brother in law. When I was at Vo-Tech one day I started having issues. The counselor called me into his office because of these issues. He wanted to help me. He was going to talk to my brother in law. I got chicken and called him from my home and told him not to, so he didn't. But now I wonder why he didn't report the abuse? Even though I can't turn back the clock, I wish I had the courage at that time to let him talk to my brother in law. The first mistake I made regarding abuse done to me. He was here to help and I didn't let him. I was scared of what my dad would do. I eventually told my dad but he didn't do anything. He stated one night to me and my mom when he was sitting in the green chair, my mom was in her chair and I was on the love seat that maybe he should talk to him but he never did. He never wanted to cause friction or disruption in the family harmony I guess. As I stated before he so believed in the turning the cheek issue. He was no help. Now it has been two parents I went to for help and I got no help. I knew from this point on I was on my own. He eventually stopped but it took a long time. Even after I was married he was touching my butt inappropriately. What a guy married to what a girl, the two are very deserving of each other. It has been hard for me to treat them like family. At family functions when I had to hug them I feel sick, I hate hugging them. My sister gives me a kiss like it's no big deal. It's just disgusting because she was the first person who kissed me open mouthed. They act like they have never done anything to me and they can't figure out why I'm distant from them. My whole family thinks that I'm a black sheep. I make it well known that I wish I was born into another family. I have told my mom many times, "I don't have to be apart of this family." That bugs them but does not bother me one bit. I guess they need someone to talk about at family gatherings.

Again I tell you this to help someone not for pity, life by far as not been good to me but from all the tragedy I have become a strong woman and I'm lucky. As you will see the abuse in my life did not stop until I got divorce 3.5 years ago. Many, many years of abuse in one form or another but that is for a different day.

Childhelp National Child Abuse Hotline 1-800-4-A-CHILD (1-800-422-4453)

Thursday, June 18, 2009

Not only did that sister sexually abuse me. She also beat the tar out of me and my other sister. She would sit on top of you and just beat on you. I so hated her. My parents kept leaving me home alone with her. I could not figure out why. She never got in trouble for hitting us.When I finally got up the courage to tell my mom she did not do anything about it. She told me what was she suppose to do about that. Can you imagine tell your little girl that. I guess she liked my older sister better then me. I had no protection. The sister right above me knew but did nothing to help either. I never told my dad, though I doubt he would have done anything either. Even though I know he loved me. He always turned the cheek and did not want to disrupt anything. His philosophy was to act like everything was great. I always wonder why my mom the women who gave birth to me did nothing. Why she accepted the abuse. I have had to learn that I will never know the answer to these questions. That for a time was hard to deal with and at rare times I still wonder why but I have had to let go of that question which was eating me up. Believe me my friends that was not easy. I had to decide to let the pain of that question control me or I could let it go and bring peace to my life. I have come to terms with it but the memories will always be there but they will no longer control me. I'm stronger then the pain. Of course all things we go through in life helps create who we are today. It is your choice on how you deal with them. Some go to drugs, sex and live in pain their who life. I consider myself lucky that God made me strong enough to survive on my own.

My sister would pick on you and call you fat and all other sorts of names. Funny thing is now she weighs between 250 and 300 lbs. and I weigh 135 to 140. Well one thing came back and bit her in the butt.

Monday, June 15, 2009

When I was a little wee one the abuse started....from my earliest memories I remember being sexually abused by my sister (s).....Nope, it wasn't my brother....it was my sister...I remember hating being left home with them....She would call my name....and I would cringe. she would find me.....We had a swing set in the back yard and all I remember about the swing set(the glider to be exact) is being hauled in the house by one of the them and forced to do things...they robbed me of my childhood...the pictures are vivid in my mind....as much as I try to forget them...There are some things that will never leave your memories....and it's not easy by any means of the words...I struggled with the sexual abuse until I was in the 6th grade....I told my mom and my other sister....No body would protect me...help me....not one single soul....The abuse with one of them stopped but the other one kept it up until she got married..To set the record straight about my sexually abusive sisters...only one touched me the other one had me do things to her....My farther taught me one lesson which has it's bad points turn the the other check.... The hardest thing in the world was to have to hug her (them)at family gatherings....to act like nothing ever happened between us.... That is when I learned how to shut off my real life and live a life that everyone thought I was a happy normal kid...no one seen the signs and if they did they choose not to do anything about them....It was me against the world and at times I was loosing ....what am I saying...I was loosing this battle...I had to take care of myself because no one else gave a damn about me....I felt so alone in the big bad world....but this was going to be the beginning of being alone in the big bad world to survive on my own.......

Again this blog is an attempt to help someone.....no pity or sympathy wanted...just want to help...and by the way just because you were molested as a child does not mean you will grow up to be one.....
Childhelp National Child Abuse Hotline 1-800-4-A-CHILD (1-800-422-4453)