Tuesday, August 4, 2009

I Never Knew What I Was Coming Home To....

I remember coming home from school always wondering and being scared about what I was walking into. My goal was to come home and try to blend in so no one noticed me. I would either hide up in tree in our front yard or I would put music on, plug in the head phones and rock for hours dreaming of a different life.

To me, coming home was like reaching in a surprise bag never knowing what you were going to get or should I say pull out. Hmmmm I would say to myself, who is going to be there today...Bev, mom, Patty, Chris, or Denise. Would it be just one of them or a couple of them. how are they going to be, what would I have to endure today. I hated my life and wanted to belong to some other family. My saving grace was that with each year that went by they slowly moved out.

My sister Chris bless her soul, has a heart of gold but not all there up stairs. One day after school, she was suppose to be there to watch me. I was in Kindergarten so I only went to school until lunch time. After school I walked home and entered a empty house. I crouched on the floor against the wall and my dad's chair that he sat in at the table. I sat there for hours before my mom showed up. My sister had issues that day and I have never held it against her, though it scared the ba gg's out of me. Even though, she has always been unstable I have loved her for who she is and accepted her. Though, it does not ease the pain that she has caused.

One day after school. I went to open the door of my house....hhmmmm it locked. Whats that about. I could hear the TV on but I could not figure out what was going on. I pounded on the door and our big glass "picture" window. After sometime my mom came to the window, pulled open the curtains and asked me what did I want, in a mean nasty voice. I said I wanted in. My moms reply was, NO and she shut the curtains. She refused to let me in. So, I climbed up in tree in our front yard and sat there until my sisters came home. She had opened the door by then. I never knew how my mom was going to be when I came home. I feel that she really never did love me because her health which was not good before she got pregnant with me deteriorated after she had me. She told me her health would of been better if she never had me. She never said it jokingly, she had the mean nasty voice going when she would mentioned it.

I always hated coming home to a house with no parent at home and my sister Beverly there. I knew for sure I was going to be abused. Either physically or sexually or both. I need not say anything else about her.

My sister Denise was another thing. Her and I had many fights and she locked me out of the house more times then I can count and I locked her out too. I chalk that up to sibling rivalry or just plain jealousy on her part. She was just mean to me.

My sister Patty had issues too with abusing me when I was real little. After I got bigger I just had to watch what I said and did around her. She would fly off the handle yell and hit you. Definitely a scary person and one you did not want to piss off.

I liked coming home when it was just me. No abuse, no one flying off the handle, just me. Some of the few happy times that I can remember.

No, I'm not being harsh and unfair to my siblings. They have had family gatherings and forgot to invite me which is nicer then having gatherings and inviting me and not talking to me. I can never remember any of siblings actually being nice to me. I swear I was a product of an affair of my dad's and my mom was forced to raise me as her own. Yes, I have told my mom this many times and she has never denied this, or gotten mad at me for saying it. How odd is that. But unfortunately her name is on my birth certificate so my hopes of having a nice loving family out there somewhere will never happen.